RUBE GOLBERG

Rube Goleberg was a Pulitzer Prize winning cartoonist who satirized the technology of modern times. As one of the most well know cartoonist in all of history and founder of The National Cartoonist Society, Rube was awarded a Pulitzer and the National Cartoonist Societies Key Award; posthumously.

So what is it that makes old Rube so interesting you ask? His character Professor Lucifer Gorgonzola Butts. Proff. Butts was known for his complicated, ramshackle contraptions that performed simple task in ludicrously complex ways. Think Tom and Jerry, Wile E. Coyote, and Peter Griffin. Through his "INVENTIONS", Rube and Prof. Butts discovered difficult ways to achieve easy results. His cartoons were symbols of man's capacity for exerting maximum effort to accomplish minimal results.

Example: The automatic stamp licker. A robot dumps a can of ants onto upturned stamps, a starving anteater licks up the ants, thus moistening the stamps.

Mr. Fox, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

So where does this lead us? Hopefully not worse off then where you started.

Blocking the scenery and breaking my mind

I think that some long haired band, playing some off-beat acoustic chorus, said it best when they said:

Sign Sign everywhere a sign Blocking out the scenery breaking my mind Do this, don't do that, can't you read the sign

Now the signs that concern me most here in Jersey are not those stating that long haired hippy people of employment options, options available for trespassers , dress-code requirements at restaurants, or prayer. I am talking about signs that tax dollars go to under the assumed umbrella of public safety. My confusion is how when I mention these signs to the “locals” they have what they consider perfectly good reasoning for the signs. This concerns me since I see such humor. I might note that one of the “locals” I questioned about the sign’s also explained to me that “the double yellow stripe means that the school bus comes this way.” WOW!

So here they are the 4 signs in my neighborhood that concern, humor, and leave me speechless.

Sign 1: “Watch Children”: In most states this is considered illegal! Save they are your children or this is your paid profession. Before you get smart and logical; most signs read “Watch for Children, Children Playing, ect.” Not “watch children.” If you find no humor in this sign you might want to stop reading now.

Sign 2: “No Right Turn When Children Present”: My assumption would be that this is an adjective and therefore be defined as when children are in some sort of local proximity to the corner said sign is on. HMMM! What if they are in the car with you, can you not turn right? What is the area that is considered present? Is that 50ft, 100ft, 1 mile, visible? What if there is a child in the car in front of me! Do I wait until that car is 100 ft. away before I can make my right turn? As it has been explained to me by people who consider themselves “locals”; this sign is because children walk to and from school along that route…..Well couldn’t you put a sign that says no right turns between x and y? (x and y are school hours) And if a kid is skipping school in the middle of the day I should have the right to run over him/her for wasting my tax dollars.

Sign 3: “Delayed Green”: Why in the heck do I need to know that the light has a delayed green. “Locals” have explained that this sign as, “so that when you see traffic coming from the other way you don’t decide to go.” I could go on hours about that statement! Somehow Jersey public schools rank among the highest in the nation. As far as the other states are concerned; Green = go, red = stop, and yellow = glance in mirror for cop and gas it. The sign is positioned right next to the stop light. So in order to read the sign and see that the light is a delayed green don’t you have to be looking at the light?

Sign 4: “Hidden Driveway”: Batman defiantly never lived in New Jersey. Here is this person who has worked hard to hide his driveway, or secret bat cave, and along comes Mr. Know-It-All and puts up a sign. I think this is highly uncalled for and I think in order to exercise my belief in a right to privacy I will begin to remove these signs and leave them around the police station driveways.

While there are many others I must retrieve my lunch from the microwave and then make sure that I clean I mess. (Because there is a sign that says so!) I love signs that protect people who in nature would become animal food or try to change the behavior of others who don’t care in the first place. What will be the next animal to become self aware?

Il dio conserva la mafia di Medford!

Becasue they have a typing pool!

Although it has now become a coined phrase I don’t think I will ever have to use it in a literal sense ever again. That is unless I go back to work for a company that makes its profits from that one line on my paycheck via Uncle Sam.

Why is he called Uncle Sam? What is that old fat hairy Uncle good for? Because he knows how to spend my money better than I do, right! I mean he is at my doorstep for money every time I get paid. He visits once a year to make sure I didn’t make to much money in places other than my paycheck. He takes that money and uses it to de-motivate people and keep them suckling the nipple most notoriously known as well-fare. Ect., ect. ect (I think my point can be made without going any further.)

So today, in a drastic change from my past position, I did something that wasn’t demanded…and I didn’t even have to ask my local Union representative! Tyson Browning would be so proud! I took one of my first project schedules and in order to better understand it and explain issues to people I created a DSM. What’s a DSM you ask. Well its this neat little chart you can create in Excel! What’s it stand for? I don’t remember! What exactly does it do? I don’t really remember all the details. BUT ! People were impressed and it helped me identify potential areas of rework…I think! Or at least that’s what everyone believes since I explained it that way.

At least I was able to pass something along before I get killed by the local mafia guy in my neighborhood. Besides I think he might let it slide since it was his wife and not his comare! He has had time to talk to the Capo Di Tutti Capi and ask for permission to capp the baboo who disrespected him by slapping his wife on the ass in a restaurant in front of everyone. I should still probably keep my eye out for some cugine enforcer who is out to give me a turban and dispose of me in some double-decker coffin.

I better close my yap before I get squirted with metal.